Author Archives: ravyngurl

Beginning Again Again. Homesick A Bit.

I was doing so well with my workouts.

For about three weeks, I didn’t miss a workout. I swam, cycled, ran, and lifted my little heart out. Then on week four, I felt a bit lethargic. I still walked a bit and I swam a bit, but I just didn’t feel right. Whenever that happens, I always assume I am getting sick and I try not to push my body past what it can handle. I was right. I had strep throat and some sort of ridiculous sinus mucus thing on top of it. I slept or stayed on the couch for two days, then I swam only 500 yards one day, then I rested for another day.

Today, I am back at it. After work, I plan to go for a 3-mile trail run, hoping against hope that it doesn’t get dark before I finish. I was too lazy to walk back upstairs to get my headlamp, so if it gets dark, I’ll just be running in the dark. With any luck the clouds will be thin and the moon will be out. I’m enough of a romantic to find running in the dark to be simply glorious and awe inspiring.

Tomorrow is cycling. Wednesday is swimming and lifting. Repeat. Rest on Sunday. Repeat.

*

This past week I was homesick a bit. I miss my friends and family. I miss knowing people. I miss Indiana. I realized on Tuesday that I felt so homesick because I had planned to go home to watch the school I graduated from swim against the school I previously taught at and the school who was my high school’s biggest rival. Basically, I wanted to see a three-way between Blackford, Jay, and Burris. Burris’s homecoming week was also this week, and as cheesy as I always thought it was when I was there for it, I missed it so much. I missed the stairwell decorations, I missed the dress up days, I missed the dodgeball games, and I missed the dance. I was fortunate to see lots of photos that my students had taken, but I wasn’t there in person. It was hard. I wanted to be at home watching my favorite students be seniors, but I was at work because my manager was at a three-day manager’s meeting along with every other Caribou manager.

Everything I did last week made me think of the fond things about home. I know full well that I am where I am supposed to be. I am more mentally healthy than I have been in a really long time. And, of course, distance and time have a way of softening the bad memories while simultaneously making the good memories better.

Nostalgia.

I’m better today. I’m less homesick. I’m getting more sure of my footing here. I’m stepping into gratitude for the things I have here and the relationships I’m building. I’m learning to live again in a different way, in a different place, with different opportunities.

 

I Need a Big Girl Job

I need a big girl job.

I don’t come across very well on paper. I know this. I hate talking about how awesome I am. Which is very awesome. I mean if you met me, you’d be amazed at just how awesome.

I can pretty much do anything I put my mind to, but I can’t very well put that on a resumé, now can I? I can read and process pretty much anything. I can write well. I can work with even the most difficult people. I am intuitive. I have been a counselor without the credentials since I was in middle school. I am a keeper of secrets. I am a teller of stories. I can teach anyone anything. I can get even the most quiet person to talk, or the loudest person to contemplate. I can cook. I can clean. I can drive. I can solve puzzles. Honestly, I really can do just about anything.

I have too much education. I have too little education. I have the wrong education.

I have too much experience. I have too little experience. I have the wrong experience.

I am too Jesus-y. I am not Jesus-y enough. I am the wrong kind of Jesus-y.

I am too queer. I am not queer enough. I am the wrong kind of queer.

I applied for tons of jobs today from summer groundskeeper at General Mills to after school recreation leader at the local Y. Tomorrow I will apply for more jobs from a social media position to an emergency shelter case worker for homeless teenagers. I likely won’t hear back from any of them.

I probably forgot to mention the right words in the online application. I might have misspelled something on my resumé. I may have even said exactly the wrong words to attract the digital bot that reads the database that’s created from the website.

I forget when I worked where. I forget to mention that I’ve written grants at several different jobs. I forget to spell out exactly what my responsibilities are at every job I’ve ever had.

I am not a game player.

I am not a hoop jumper.

I want a job search in which I go to the person who is offering the job, introduce myself, talk with him or her over coffee, and then have my application placed in the circular file. Or not. The better outcome would be to actually be offered a big girl job.

I want authenticity and no tricks. I want relationship. I am 40. I am too old to trifle.

I want a chance. One small, simple chance. I am the best big girl for your job. Let me prove it to you.

I have advanced degrees.I have lots of experience.

Can you please hire me?

I promise I won’t let you down.

Polar Plunge

I’m Polar Plunging again this year, only it’s into a lake in Minnesota. Please support me in this adventure if you are so inclined. I’ve already raised $200, but I still have $200 to go. Click here if you’d like to support the Special Olympics through my foolishness. I’ll thank you in advance for your donation.

Bye-bye Dreadmill, Except for Speed Work (Maybe)

I’ve been spending a lot of time running on the treadmill at the gym, trying to build up my stamina, so I’d be better able to run outside when spring comes.

I’ve been running on the treadmill to try to get faster, so I can run better outside when spring comes.

I’m so glad my gym has a treadmill I can use for running, so when spring comes, I’ll be ready to run outside.

I HATE THE TREADMILL.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

This sentiment was reinforced today when I went for a three-mile run along the Mississippi River on a trail I’ve been meaning to try for a while. Not only does the trail remind me a lot of the Cardinal Greenway, but it also goes directly along a big, big river. If I so chose, I could’ve run all the way into St. Paul, which is six miles from where I started. Once I build my mileage up more again, I’m going to take advantage of that for sure.

The only drawback, as with most asphalt trails up here, is there are no trees, so you’re out in the blazing hot sun for the whole run. There are, of course, advantages to that. One advantage is that the heat will help me train for the run portion of the Muncie 70.3, which will no doubt be hot. Another advantage is that I’ll get an awesome tan this summer. And, I suppose a third advantage, is that in the winter there aren’t hidden ice patches on the trail, which is plowed and maintained for winter, unlike the Cardinal Greenway.

The most I’ve been able to run, without intense pain, in one shot at the gym has been about 3/4 of a mile. Today with the river, the snow, the sun, the beauty, and a bit of positive self-talk, I ran 1.1 miles without even realizing it. Then I walked another 0.3 miles up a big ramp and back down, then another 0.3 back up then back down (it goes over the train track into town, or I could’ve stayed down by river, which I’ll do next time), then I ran back 1.1 miles to the car. My knees don’t hurt. My breathing was controlled. I felt awesome.

As I sort of mentioned just above, I’m also working on focusing on positive things while I run. I’ve noticed that I let a lot of anger fuel my exercise, and it’s kind of getting me nowhere, except sore and with tight muscles. Really I should be thankful that I can do all I can do. I should speak into being what I want to happen. I ran the last half mile or so today saying to myself, “You got this. Finish strong. Keep going. Run hard. You got this. Finish strong. Keep going. Run hard.” The self-talk worked. I felt the best I’ve felt in a long time.

I also decided while I was running that I am going to change up my workout routine somehow, so I can focus on one sport each day, maybe I’ll only end up doing each sport twice every eight days, which is okay. I’ll just need to plan it out more carefully, and stick to the schedule. I do know that I can swim every day with no worries, so I may swim and do one other sport each day. Who knows? I’ll work on that tonight.

I have to thank my friend Sarahbeth for encouraging me to run outside today. What a blessing it was. Thanks, buddy.

Oatmeal Pancakes. Social Media. Kindle.

Today I didn’t wake up until 8AM, and I decided that I was going to take this day off as easy as possible, until I go to the gym later this afternoon.My workout today will not be an easy one, so I needed all the rest I could get. I’m basically doing everything there is to do at the gym, which I know is not the best course of action, but I am doing it anyway, because I have the day off, so I can spend as long as I want there working out. I’m swimming, biking, running, and lifting. Dumb? Yes. Oh, well. It’s not like I do that every day, but I’m sure I’ll be sore tomorrow.

EDIT: Just in the course of writing this and eating my breakfast, I’ve decided to go run outside on a paved trail I’ve been meaning to try out. I’ll take advantage of the unseasonable warmth. Then I’ll just go lift and probably swim. I’ll save biking for tomorrow. Or, maybe even, I’ll go run around the island at Fort Snelling. Such choices.

*

One of my favorite meals is breakfast, but I have no money to go out for a big lavish feast, so I decided to make myself some pancakes. Not just any pancake would suffice, of course, because I always need special pancakes. I used a basic pancake recipe, but made it gluten-free. Oh, and I added everything I love: bananas, oats, coconut, nutmeg, cinnamon, and maple syrup. I was going to add some protein powder, too, but the only flavors I have are chocolate and strawberry, which I didn’t think would taste very good with everything else. Maybe the chocolate, but then all I’d taste is chocolate, and I want to taste the bananas, oats, and coconut.

I also brewed up some of our special holiday gift coffee from Caribou Coffee. The name of this particular blend/roast is ¡Ay Caramba!, and it’s a Mexican coffee with subtle cocoa hints. Delicious with pancakes no doubt.

I just flipped the first batch of four little pancakes, and they were slightly darker than I’d like them to be, but the batter is pretty thick, so there weren’t any little bubbles forming. Thick batter is the problem with hearty pancakes. Thick batter is also the pleasure of hearty pancakes.

As I anticipated, these pancakes were amazing and they paired well with the coffee. One thing I do have to say about Caribou is that our roastmasters are pretty fantastic, even though they are obsessed with light roasting things. I seriously can’t wait for the Ethiopian coffee that’s coming out in February. Ethiopian coffees are my favorites, and I am confident that our roastmasters won’t fuck it up when it comes to getting the best taste out of them. It’s really nice to work for a company where people pay attention to details like that. And, I’m happy to know that all of our beans are Rainforest Alliance Certified.

*

I have a new love. Her name is Kindle Fire. Seriously, when my parents bought them for my brother and me for Christmas, I was a little taken aback. I love books. I love their pages. I love their ink. I love their smell. I love their feel. I would certainly never let anything come between me and my books, let alone this electronic thing.

Love is fickle. Love is so very fickle. And I’ve fallen for my Kindle.

Now I love the ability to read a book anywhere, anytime, on my phone, or on my Kindle. I am no longer that geeky girl who carries a book everywhere with her (or am I?). When I was younger, I stuffed books everywhere, sometimes even carrying them outright and bold, standing in line at the theater with my family reading a book, walking through the grocery store shopping with my mom and my brother reading a book, lying next to the pool reading a book, basically doing anything anytime reading a book. Needless to say, I was so popular. I was never ashamed of my love of reading. In fact, I sore of wore my oddities as a badge, but I always knew I was slightly out of step with the other kids around me.

The beauty of the Kindle is I can be reading anytime and it just looks like I am any one of any other mindless drones on my phone. Only while others play games or use social media, I’m secretly reading literature! I finally fit in (not so much)!

Seriously, though, I do love this thing. I have already read two books on the Kindle, and I’ve only been using it for a week. I love the Kindle Unlimited possibility, that for $10 a month I can read unlimited books. Are they books I’d normally read? Mostly no, but there are some really good ones, maybe just older ones, like Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, in the unlimited library. And any book is a good book, I suppose, with the exception of the Twilight Series and Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve found that there are very few books that are bad enough for me to stop reading.

I’ve also learned that in the realm of the literary, at least, I can have more than one lover. I can love my Kindle Fire, and I can love my print books. I will tell you that there will be no Toni Morrison, Louise Erdrich, or Margaret Atwood on the Kindle, unless, of course, I also own them in print. Those three women deserve real pages to be turned, real ink to be seen, and a real cover to be caressed. And, dare I say, simple realness to be savored with every sense.

And that’s that.