34 and Still in Middle School

You would think, wouldn’t you, that by the time you were in graduate school that you wouldn’t have to play silly games? I called Merideth last night and gave her a list of people that I was allowed to talk about, and I told her that if mention someone not on that list, she should ask me why I was bothering. I said, “I feel like I am 34 and still in middle school.” One of the good things about Merideth is that when I am my most irrational, she always sides with me! I said to her: “Just say to me, ‘Stop investing. You will only get hurt.'” She agreed. I hung up. I cried. I wanted to get drunk, but I had to read about the social construction of Indians, and I thought being drunk while doing it wouldn’t work out too well. So, instead of drinking, I made a more detailed list of people who make me feel better about myself instead of worse.

I invested in the hate. I actually spent time weighing and measuring the worth of people. I held each one up, as if I was putting them on scales, and I decided whether or not they were worth my investment. I am actually surprised I didn’t pull out a monocle and inspect each one like a diamond, putting aside the ones who didn’t measure up. Don’t worry, you know if you are on that list. Chances are if you are reading this, you are on the “good list.” Please don’t try to guess or call anyone out, because this blog is open for all readership, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to feel like this at all, but I am tired of being hurt by people I trust.

My point is this: I hate having to be like this, because it is not in my nature. I want everyone to get along, you know, Rodney Kind style. I don’t want to feel like I can’t talk openly to people. I don’t like my name slung around in order for other people to be able to feel better about themselves. Remember I am not a screen for you to project your issues on. I wish everyone could be who they are without pretense. If we could, then no one would have to guess who is mad at whom and why. No one would have to wonder why people aren’t talking to them only to find out that they somehow brought it on themselves unknowingly. Really? Grow up. We are all adults. I am an adult who is tired of lurking around wondering what other people think of me. I never thought I would be excited to be finished with school. I am. I want to work alone. I could use a year off from this. Don’t get me wrong. I love Ball State. I love the faculty. I love my program, and I am so appreciative for my academic experience here. But, I am over the drama. I am over the constancy of pettiness. I just want it to stop.Whatever happened to talking about ideas and concepts, dreams and visions? Isn’t it wasting precious time to talk about people? Besides, no one is that interesting!

On a happy note: Amy and I went to meet with Jay who is going to be the faculty adviser for our new organization. We had a great discussion and he was incredibly helpful, insightful, and kind. I am writing the constitution this weekend, which shouldn’t take long thanks to Ed, Amy is going to proofread it, and then Jay is going to do a final run through to make sure it is all okay. Now we need a name. We want it to be a good one, not like LBGSTQI (LMNOP, just kidding) for Grad Students. The undergraduate group is called Spectrum. I thought Continuum might be fun, like we are continuing our education, and continuum sort of encapsulates all the sexualities that will be involved without using all the damned letters. We suggested something with the word Queer but a couple of people were in loud opposition to that, so we nixed that idea. We also thought something like Spectrum Platinum, but that sort of insinuates that we think we are one step up from Spectrum, which I think is a bad idea. I also thought about the Lambda Union or something else that hearkens back to the earlier gay movements, right after Stonewall. Plus I think the Lambda Unions are a national organization, which means job opportunities and networking for our members. I am still researching that aspect of all of it. I suppose, too, that we could call it whatever we want and then join up with a national organization later. We’ll see. I’ve never done this before. It’s a little scary, but it seems to be the bright spot in my school stuff. For today anyway.

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